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Friday, 13 December 2013

'Twas the Night Before Christmas.....and Santa gets naughty'

I have been in festive cheer the last couple of days; having fun re-writing the age old classic 'Twas the Night Before Christmas.'

I have kept all the rhyming words the same, but changed up the story - just a bit!!! Enjoy HO HO HO

'Twas the Night Before Christmas.....and Santa gets naughty'

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Running amok was an oversized mouse.
In spite of the traps that had been set with such care,
He was dining out on the hearth with the pies he found there.

The children were snuggled up tight in their beds,
With visions of iphones and PS4’s in their heads.
Their mother was decked out in a nurse's apron and cap,
While their dad – unawares – took a quick evening nap.

As she fetched out the handcuffs, she tried not to clatter,
Lest the children awake and ask ‘What’s the matter?’
Her husband; awoken by a low distant clash,
Scratched at his balls and went for a slash.

Excited by Christmas, presents and snow,
He started to feel some slight stirrings below.
He thought he was dreaming when a nurse did appear,
And handed him some leather and asked him ‘rein, Dear?’

He grabbed at the strap and ran back upstairs quick,
And got himself dressed up as good old St. Nic.
After 5 minutes of foreplay he very near came,
And insisted that Nursie ‘Call me by name!’

"Come Dashing, come Dancer, come now my big Vixen,
“Ooh Comet, aah Cupid, mmm my horny young Blitzen;”
At the top of the stairs, against the tiled kitchen wall,
"Give it to me! Give it to me!  I want it all!"

Apron, cap and white beard soon did fly,
As unknown to the rompers, Santa appeared in the sky.
Baubles and tinsel around the room flew,
And the mouse on the hearth got a good tossing too.

And then in a twinkling, they heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
Hubbie withdrew and was turning around,
When from down the chimney Santa came with a bound.

He rose to his feet and saw what was afoot,
And smiled a big grin while brushing off soot.
Within minutes he had shed all the clothes on his back,
Revealing to all his impressive front pack.

From his ample appendage he hung a big wreath,
Which Nursie began to remove with her teeth.
He enjoyed her attentions as she sat on his belly,
And demanded they bring him a big tube of ‘jelly’.

They all shared enjoyments and made Christmas Merry,
 With Nursie allowing Santa a taste of her cherry.
Presents like this you can’t tie up with a bow,
And they happen so seldom – a little bit like Snow.

“Come back to Lapland Nursie as an honorary Elf,
For you pleasure me better than I can do myself.”
Nursie was flattered that she gave such good head,
A bedroom activity that she normally would dread.

“Well it is probably time I got back to work”
Slinging his sack on his back in a single smooth jerk.
Then back up the chimney Santa Claus rose,
With a gesture beforehand of a tap on his nose.

He soared through the sky with a HO HO and a whistle,
Creating a long trail of stars like down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight —
Happy Christmas to all, and to Nursie – good night!

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Twix - Are you a leftie or a rightie?

Is it just me, or is Twix's current ad campaign fundamentally flawed - or does it just have me floored?

You all know the one I mean - it centres around the rivalry of two brothers in bygone times who liturally split the business into two because of a family feud. Hence the 'left Twix' factory and 'right Twix' factory.  Why didn't one of them just buy the other out and go and retire to Bath?

We can see right from the offset that these brothers were at the back of the queue for common sense, as they only built a one way driveway - dahhhhhh!  Also, if one facility is manufacturing the left twix and the other the right - where are they packaged?  I don't see any common ground between the two factories where this minor operation could take place - do you?  Is there a network of underground rooms and corridors full of Twix espionage, I wonder.   Is there a subterrean packaging plant run by 'neutrals' who are neither lefties or righties?  Or do they outsource this part of the operation to China? 

And who delivers the packaged rival bars?  The 'Leftie' van or the 'Rightie' van?  What if customers start ordering only Lefties because there is a higher demand - what then???

Let us look at a bar of Twix (I hardly dare open it; knowing the bitter rivalry that lies within - will there be caramel everywhere where the two bars have had it out?) and determine how this concept pans out in practice.

Here is a bar of Twix.  Which way will you open it?  Is there a right or wrong way up? Does the 'T' represent 'Top' and the 'X' represent 'wrong'.  Who knows??? But we need to know this, as it is of paramount importance if we want to join the 'left' or 'right' camp!  If we open it the wrong way up then the 'right' bar becomes the 'left' bar and the 'left' bar becomes the 'right' bar. Similarly we would need to have the name Twix facing us otherwise the 'left' becomes the 'right' and the 'right' becomes the 'left' if the bar is back to front.

What if the Twix is lying flat on the table in front of you.  Should we be choosing the 'nearest' or the 'furthest' finger?

And to make things even worse:

Where the f*ck will our allegiance lie now?  Should I choose the left, middle or right finger? Who makes the middle finger (no-one is going to choose this one!) for crying out loud?

Or this:

Heaven knows if these are left, right or somewhere inbetween fingers? 

What if one of the Twix brothers came up with a new name for his bar.  One could 'be Twix' and the other could 'be Tween.'  Now that's a good idea, then it doesn't matter how the h*ll we open them - right side up, upside down, back to front, down the middle or however...

Personally I prefer:

But should I eat....
The top deck or the bottom deck - the 'D'drivers end or the 'R'rear end?

Who ever said that eating chocolate makes you feel good - all this decision making is giving me a headache.

#chocolate? #not #tonight #Dear

Thursday, 21 November 2013

I'm a Celebrity - Not

Another hilarious day in the celebrity camps (and with some of the camp celebrities). I honestly couldn't write this stuff better myself.  We discovered already that Rebecca pees in the pool and now she divulges that she watches porn with her parents. At least there is hopefully parental control over which porn they watch.

She was asked by a fan how everyone in camp is getting along to which she replied that everyone is getting along and that no-one irritates anyone else.  Hmmm, I think that one may come back to bite you Rebecca.  Alsonso described the experience as 'a process.' EVERYTHING is 'a process' in America. A kindergartener gets looked at in a funny way in the playground/yard; he has to 'process' that in order to move on.  He processed the fact that Lucy woke up with a sore throat and concluded it was because she didn't wear enough clothes - so this full blooded male wants one of the women to put more clothes on - another 'camp' celebrity...


There were more astounding revelations about just how dim Joey is (appropriate name for any of you old enough to remember his namesake from Blue Peter).  We found out that he couldn't tell the time and now it is revealed that he has never learned to blow his nose.  How can someone not figure out how to blow their nose? You breath through it for goodness sake, just do an enthusiastic breath out!! So instead he stuffs his nose with tissue - a bit like a nostril tampon! Better make sure the string is hanging out Joey as there is plenty of vacant space above where it could get lost.

What is he thinking? Oh silly me - absolutely nothing...

# vacant

 On to the 'up your neck in it' challenge. Joey says he is 'trying to not think about it' – well that won’t be too difficult Joey! The trial entailed being submerged up to their necks in rice and then periodically having various insects released into the tank above them.  Joey was freaked out by a millipede. 'OMG what is that?' he asks. 'A millipede' he is told  'what does that do?' What do you mean what does a millipede do? - it crawls around and eats and sh*ts what do you think it does? Or were you wondering what it does on a Saturday night? He also expressed concern over crabs in his hair - enough said....

Once again Joey and Matthew see the challenge through to a tie breaker.  This involves counting up to 60 seconds -nearest one wins.  This could have proved difficult for Joey as he can't tell time, but he comes out triumphant and goes back to camp to brag. He is very proud of the fact that he can count. 'I used to count all the time.' Really Joey, well what a shame that the University of Essex didn't offer a degree in it.

When he later laments the fact that the challenge has given him neck ache, Amy kindly offers him a 'rub.' This makes Rebecca very uncomfortable – 'I feel like I am watching porn with my parents' – oh was that a frequent past time in the Addlington household?  And we thought the wet patch on the sofa was because of a little pool water leakage when you coughed.

Other memorable bits were Joey losing the physical challenge after using every tactic he had in his head. Well there's a surprise that all 2 of them didn't work!  Finally my favourite bit was Joey looking in the mirror with an adoring look on his face and basically telling himself how much he had missed himself because he hadn't seen himself in ages - well not for about an hour anyway.

# vain doesn't even cut it

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Get me out of Here - I am not a Celebrity

I have never been an avid follower of IACGMOOH. I watched it last year with the ditsy blond - Helen Whateverhernamewas, which made for quite good entertainment, but more from a 'thank God I was born with a brain' perspective than for anything else, such as 'what I should not order from the Bushtucker Menu when I am next in Australia.' perspective.

And let's face it, you've got to love Ant and Dec haven't you.  TV, like a good port is far better when DEC ANT'ed.

So I took a deep breath and switched on the telly at 9.00pm last night and I wasn't disappointed, because the cast essentially wrote this post themselves!

I should mention that I didn't recognise some of the contestants.  I of course knew Rebecca Addlington, because unlike some of her counterparts she has earned her fame - think of all those hours with wrinkly toes and the number the chlorine must have done on her hair over the years...  I haven't a clue who Amy is or Matthew Wright.  Steve interesting (living up to his name thus far) Davies and David Emmanuel are on my list of Do's and the American - was it Arborio? - and the heavy set blond are both on my Don't (know) list.  Hey ho, I guess I am going to know their names and their bowel movements over the coming days....

So back to last night.  Joey Essex - he was on my radar, but I could have passed him in the street and not recognised him.  I could have told you he was from Essex, because of the tan, the shaved chest, the white teeth and the look of vacancy and incomprehension in his eyes, but I couldn't have told you he was THE Essex from 'The only way is Essex.'

Prediction #1 his hair is not going to stay looking like that for long. Maybe for as long as it takes someone to break his mirror, to stop him being such a vain waste of space.

The Bushtucker Trial.

I loved this part of the show.  Why I should enjoy watching people wretch and heave I do not know, but love it I did!  The entertainment factor had already started when Joey pointed out (how astute) that they needed to win 'as much possible meals as we can.' Bless him - how incredible for an English county to have a whole new language of its own.
Dec'Ant asked him how he thought things would go to which he replied 'I don’t like eating creatures.' Well he was basically f*cked from this point onwards wasn't he. Did they not get the memo that he has turned vegetarian. Vegetables aren't classed as 'creatures' are they? Apart from freaky shaped apples that resemble your Aunt Gladys without her teeth in.  I digress....


Ostrich Penis (slimey gut chicken - JE)

A delicate dish that smells like willy and tastes like a school eraser that you have wee'd over - JE.
Joey points out that this is the first time he has gagged on a willy and that when you go to swallow, it like hits your tonsils. What's that Joey the willy or the juice? He is urged on by his rival Matthew who insists he should chew as hard as he can.  Anyone's eyes watering yet?
Camel Toe
A fleshy white delicacy that tastes really dirty. Does this describe some of the women on TOWIE I wonder?
Somehow I cannot believe this is the first time Joey has had a foot in his mouth - surely he regularly dines on his own? During his mastications (no look again, that is not what it says...) he does a fabulous Meg Ryan/Sally impression with groans and fists pounding on the table.  He then pronounces it the worst thing he has ever tasted.  One would bloody hope so, otherwise I am not going to the 'Essex's' or any restaurant in Essex for dinner.

Crispy roll with scorpion
A  lovely delicacy with a hint of marmite flavour - you either love it or you hate it.

Joey is the first to go and is asked if it is juicy inside.  A question more commonly asked of him by his girlfriends in the bedroom rather than his competitor while he chows down on a scorpion.

Turkey Testicles 
Proper rank.
So far the boys - to give them credit - have consumed everything put in front of them, but have they got the balls for this dish? Major gagging ensues that nearly had me running for a bowl myself...Matthew, having finished everything else has to then lick up the bit of spew he had heaved into his hand. Nice.

Cockroach Smoothie
A succulent blend of cock(roach) that has been 'shaken' but hasn't been stirred (yet).

Who is going to be the quickest to get these cock(roache)s down?  As it turns out, neither boy has a problem downing these.

When MW and JE get back to their respective camps they are asked the usual trite questions such as 'Was it horrible?' by David Emmanuel.  No David it was a 4 star meal - of course it was horrible you tw*t.  I can't wait until his turn, but he had better take the plum out of his mouth first before he eats!

But my favourite quote from last night's show was from Matthew Wright who when told dinner was ready soon after the Bushtucker Trial replied 'I don’t want any dinner I’ve already eaten!' 

#Bless him

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Life Behind the Veil

There has been a lot of press about burkas recently and the question about whether women should be allowed to wear them and whether they oppress and diminish the wearer?

I am not going to give an opinion here, but I am interested in exploring how the wearing of this garment might impact everyday life.

Bad hair day? Who gives a monkeys! I can go days or weeks without shaving my legs in the winter, when I know no-one will see them, so if I wore a burka, I needn't wash my hair for days. Excellent! Nor would I need to have my eyebrows plucked or bleach my 'tache.  Sounds pretty good doesn't it! The only drawback is that 'the eyes have it' so I couldn't get away without eyeliner and mascara.  What a bummer if your eyes are your worst feature!

So how would you get noticed in a burka?  You can't cinch them in to show a narrow waist or tailor them to show your stella hourglass figure. You can't show off your killer heels.  So how?  Perfume? Or would you go with your natural scent as everyone else will have slooshed the Chanel No.5 as well.

And what about internet dating.

It is hard enough navigating through the rough waters of internet dating without the added difficulty that you don't know what your potential dates look like.

Now that's not easy is it! 
And if you do secure a first date, how will your date recognise you? "Oh, I will be wearing.....' doesn't quite cut it does it.   Wearing a carnation might help, but not if there are other first daters at the same venue!  

As the dates pass by we would surely have a few additional 'bases' that have to be reached:

1st base: Seeing her nose
2nd base: Seeing her mouth
3rd base: Seeing and maybe nibbling her ears....steady.....
43rd base and 2 years on.....About bloody time....


How do they cope with policing in countries where the burka is commonly worn?  

Police interview:
 "Can you describe the woman you saw?" 
 "She was about 5'3" but I couldn't see if she was wearing heels or not."
"Anything else?"
"She had brown eyes." 

At the debriefing a few days later the sergeant is asked how many suspects they have. 8467 is the answer.

What an easy job being a photofit artist! 

And what about an identity parade.

This was a line up to try and identify a woman accused of stealing from a man after performing in front of him at a pole dancing club!

I don't know at what age girls start wearing burkas, but how do you keep track of which one's yours in the playground?  Imagine the gallery of school photos. "My! look how you've changed.  I hardly recognised you!"

And the school class photo!
"Oh, I've spotted you! Back row 3rd from the left"
"Oh, of course it isn't. You are bang in the middle at the front."
"Middle row?"
"Ok, I give up."
"I was sick that day remember."
"Why did I waste money on the photo then?"

#wear a carnation next time