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Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Too Hot to Handle

I know I shouldn't make light of a sad situation, but this Facebook post this evening made me laugh!





I wasn't aware one could get a savoury Stollen but you can be sure of one thing, when these puppies (AKA Suger and Spice) come out of the oven they will certainly be 'too hot to handle'.

I am not sure I would want to pay £500 for this delicacy as I believe Waitrose currently have some on offer for £4.75!

# Dogs are for Stollen which IS just for Christmas

© Claire Pryce and Pushing 50 in a 40 Zone, October 2013 to date.

 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Claire Pryce and Pushing 50 in a 40 Zone with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Any use of this material for monetary gain is strictly prohibited. Should you wish to use my material for your own monetary gain you may contact me to purchase a license for such usage.

Saturday, 26 October 2013

Poetry, poetry, how I love my poetry....

This post was not intended for today, but having run today's post past one of my groupies it was pointed out that my postings so far were beginning to form into a pattern not fitting for a 'lady' so I am toning things down for a bit.

For starters here is a Pam Ayres type poem that I wrote a few years ago...




LEAVING HOME



I need to get away from where I am, to where I’m not,
And should I not return here, I will not care a jot.
I do not know the whereabouts of the place that I will go,
But I want it to be full of lots of people I don’t know.

I’ve had enough of doing all things I have to do,
And I’ve had enough of everyone, except of course for you,
I’ll soon be on my way to this place I want to be,
I’m now all packed and ready to imminently flee.

I’m at my destination – a place I haven’t been before,
Everything is great – I couldn’t ask for any more.
It is all refreshingly different; nothing is the same,
It is a welcome contrast to the life from which I came.

How long I will remain here, I really cannot say,
I’m enjoying this new home much more each passing day.
I have many new acquaintances and a brand new place of work.
If I’d stayed put where I was, I would have surely gone beserk!

The weeks have turned to months now and each passing day I find,
I’m missing many of the things that I chose to leave behind.
I miss all the boring chores that I used to have to do,
And yes I must admit that I am also missing you.

I’ve had enough of wonderlust and seeds that needed sowing.
And now I know exactly where it is that I am going.
I’m heading back to my old home that I left two months ago.
Why I ever chose to leave there, I‘ll confess I do not know.




© Claire Pryce and Pushing 50 in a 40 Zone, October 2013 to date.

 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Claire Pryce and Pushing 50 in a 40 Zone with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Any use of this material for monetary gain is strictly prohibited. Should you wish to use my material for your own monetary gain you may contact me to purchase a license for such usage.


Tuesday, 22 October 2013

'Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed....'

Today I am going to share a dating story with you.  Without embellishment it could fill seats at the Odean Leicester Square!

I had been on Match.com for a number of weeks with a few single dates under my belt (note I didn't say below my belt) but not much to write home (or here) about.

I then got a message from a man called Ian.  I would normally ignore any correspondence from someone who doesn't show their picture on their profile because this immediately throws up a red flag (RF).  This says two things to me - that they are married or in a relationship or they are not your average Brad Pitt.  I cannot remember how he persuaded me to start messaging him; but I do recall that his profile read pretty well - not too brief and not too long and egotistical.  After a couple of days messaging, I asked him to email me a photo and then mistakenly gave him the wrong email address!  He was obviously eager to share his picture as he succumbed and posted it on his profile on Match.com but then got a little tetchy with me because once the photos were on there they couldn't be removed!!(Served him bl**dy right if he had a reason for them not to be on there).

When I heard they were on the site I opened up his profile and was far from disappointed. Our Ian was a bit of alright.  If I had been in the room when one of the photos was taken his beautiful pressed black shirt would not have stayed on his beautifully sculpted chest for long!! Phwaw. I knew he must be good looking, because when I showed the photo to my sister in law she said 'Wow he's really nice looking.' That's what she said but from the way she said it I understood her to have meant 'Wow, I can't believe he is interested in you'.  

A couple of days later he asked if he could call me.  The conversation flowed pretty well but wasn't as relaxed as it could have been.  Regardless we agree to meet at a sculpture park near Leeds.  I was of course excited to meet the gorgeous Ian and was not happy that it was peeing it down that day and I do not possess a sexy mac.  One thing stuck in my mind as I prepared to meet him and that was his warning that he is very demonstrative.  Talk about an understatement!

I was the first to arrive and sought shelter inside the main gallery.  He text me to say he had arrived, so I made my way out to the covered walkway.  As I walked out he stepped out in front of me.  I wasn't too disppointed.  He was a little shorter than he'd told me (they always are) but he was very good looking with mesmerising green eyes.

Within minutes he has told me that I am far more attractive than my profile pictures - they always say that - but I thanked him anyway.  We started looking round and I made small talk while he took us on a circuitous route round the gallery that for some strange reason kept involving trips up and down in the lift. As we walked around he was doing a fabulous impression of Meg Ryan in the closing scene of Sleepless in Seattle where she says nothing but cannot take her eyes off Tom Hanks.  I was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable - lovely and flattering as the attention was.

We began to get into our stride and about 20 minutes in we come across a sculpture which is basically a shower cubicle made from various colour glass bricks.  It was about 3 foot square.  He asked me if I wanted to step inside.  Not wanting to miss out on any art installation experience, I agree.  We step inside and he closes the door behind us. It is cosy.  What do you say to a stranger while standing fully dressed in a 3 foot wide glass shower cubicle?  He asks me if I feel comfortable being in there with him.  What I should have said to that was 'I would feel more comfortable on my own with a loofa and a bar of soap' perhaps.  I hope I timed my exit so that it didn't come across as a bolt but was long enough to show my appreciation of the artwork and my pseudo comfort of being with him in there.

We headed outside next and he asks to take my hand.  Why not?  I am beginning to feel more at ease now and the banter between us increases.  The rain has eased off too, so we take a stroll round the grounds.  He stops at one point and takes my other hand.  He locks me in with his mesmerising green eyes and I sense he is moving in.....  I choose to ignore it and glance away, but when I glance back he is still staring and he moves in.  Talk about an 'Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed' moment!!  I can hear the music beginning to reach a crescendo.  One would normally have had to sit through 90 minutes of build up to this point at the Odean, but with 'Gorgeous Ian' it was less than 30 minutes in - the first kiss!  I cannot dispute it was a great kiss!  When we eventually pull apart he says 'I wanted to kiss you the minute I saw you'.  (WIAPOSWYNO?).

Well the flood gates opened from that point on and I allowed a wave of flattery and compliments to wash over me.  'You are striking' 'You are gorgeous' 'I cannot believe you are single' 'I cannot believe I have met you' are just a few I remember.  I felt like I was in a candlelit bathroom submerged up to the neck in a bath of warm honey.

One point in the date was without doubt the most surreal moment of my life.  We are sitting alone in a silent art gallery.  The lighting is very dim apart from spotlights trained on 9 ethereal alabaster busts of androgenous figures arranged in the centre of the room (one of the most moving installations I have ever seen).  When he is not kissing me he is saying all the things I want to hear quietly into my ear.  Talk about erotic.

It was strange to walk back out into reality, but that's what we did and headed up to the cafe for a cup of tea.  He chose a cream cake that was smothered in icing sugar and one bite in, he got a full sugar moustache.  He must have known that it was there, but he said and did nothing.  I ask if he would like me to get him a napkin.  'No, why?' he asks. 'Do you have a problem with me looking like this?' 'Not at all' I tell him.  He continues to sit there with his sweet  'tache until I can stand it no more and fetch him a napkin.  He wipes it clean 'Happy now?' he asks...  I got the distinct impression that this was pre-planned...

Getting bored yet?...... No. Good.

We moved on to another gallery in nearby Wakefield  and it was much of the same; including a kiss fest in his Volvo (far too clean - RF).  Every time he came up for breath he would say my name or simply utter 'wow' in a sultry voice.  He was good, I will give him that.  To say he had honed his craft was an understatement.

Finally we found a pub for a late lunch.  More alarm bells started ringing when he ordered the food and came back to the table with a large wooden spoon with our table number on it.  Need I say more.  He was handling that spoon with something very definite in mind - and I don't mean baking!  He gave me a knowing look as he tapped it against his palm.  I raised an eyebrow but left it at that...

We ended up back at the sculpture park so I could pick up my car.  On the way he was talking about wanting to see me again and how we should try and plan our weekends without kids so we could spend them together.  All promising - or so I thought...

I hadn't even left the carpark before I received a text from him telling me that he was 'completely blown away by the last few hours and how no-one had ever had such an instantanious effect on him' (APOSP).

I saw him a week later.  (you will be very relieved to hear that this is the last time I saw him as you nod off in your chairs).We went to the cinema to watch 'Girl with the Dragon Tatoo.'  An erotic film and quite an erotic 90 minutes sitting beside him.... After we came out he was analysing the film and why I had chosen it; particularly emphasising the bondage scenes!  By the time we got to Pizza Express afterwards he really let his hair down and asked me two mouthfuls into my salad what I liked in the bedroom.  Once I had finished choking I brushed him off and rapidly changed the subject.

We planned another date a week later (I was kind of intrigued by him at this point).  Four days later he mentions in a text that he had a chest infection.  I tell him I understand if he needs to cancel our date. He texts the day before the date to say he is really ill - doesn't actual say that he can't make the date, let alone discuss re-scheduling.  I didn't hear from him until a week later and he uses the excuse that he was on business in Iceland (I assumed the country, but as I type this, I am beginning to wonder....) and left his personal phone at home.  Hmmm no internet in Iceland???  He kept in touch for a couple of weeks with vague texts hinting at possible dates, but then he disappeared - for good.   Oh until about 2 months ago (18 months after I last saw him) when he asked to link in with me on Linked In.

# Bizarre

Glossary of Terms
WIAPOSWYNO - where is a pinch of salt when you need one
RF - Red flag
APOSP - another pinch of salt please.


© Claire Pryce and Pushing 50 in a 40 Zone, October 2013 to date.

 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Claire Pryce and Pushing 50 in a 40 Zone with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Any use of this material for monetary gain is strictly prohibited. Should you wish to use my material for your own monetary gain you may contact me to purchase a license for such usage.

Sunday, 20 October 2013

The Man with the 10 Stone Testicles - and other stories....

What is our fascination with other people's unfortunate bodily disfigurements?  I assume it is because it makes us feel better about our man boobs or our stretch marks.

I don't follow series such as 'Embarrassing Bodies' but I have been tempted to watch other documentaries recently with some interesting case studies of such people.

One that I was tempted to watch (but didn't) was the man with the 10 stone testicles.  I saw the trailers (unfortunate turn of phrase) and that was enough to put me off.  Can you imagine that weight in your 'y' fronts! At least you wouldn't have to worry about not getting a seat somewhere when you have a built in couch!

Are his testicles that size on account of his sperm count!  If they are, he could populate China with his left one and North America with his right! His local sperm bank would be laughing - although in the future there may be a few children of single mothers in the local playground with protruding foreheads and eyes too close together. Imagine the speed of ejaculation!   Talk about a tsunami...  Depending on his sexual persuasion he could be used by the NHS for colonic irrigations!

One can't help but try and figure out how he has sex.  He couldn't go on top, could he?  His partner would have to go on top and I cannot help but liken this to shagging the handle on a tandem space hopper.....

This reminds me of a guy I dated last Christmas.  Until this documentary I had never seen such a large scrotum.  Without going into too much detail, in a certain position I could look down and imagine I had poo'ed a haggis.  Most off putting but kind of comfortable when you need to take the weight off....

Back to more amazing medical phenomena...

  Another interesting documentary was about an American man in his 50's who had developed a 45 degree 'kink' in his penis.  I didn't watch it from start to finish, but apparently his wife had left him because she didn't like the direction their sex life was going in....

Closer to home, I was fascinated by the story of a woman that has over 30 orgasms a day (without foreplay!).  What if you worked at the check out at Tesco and half way through a transaction... blip....aah.....blip......aaaaah.......blip.........AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....Would you like any cash back today madam?' This affliction would be awful for me as I don't know if I am coming or going most days as it is....

Then there was the 'Tree Man' who had unsightly bark like growths all over his body.  They asked him how old he was and how long he had suffered with this affliction, but he seemed unable to answer the question. Not to worry an autopsy after his death could determine the number of rings..... But there was a happy ending to the story because he said that after a very nomadic life up to that point, he was now able to put down roots....

Finally, going back to the man with the 10 stone testicles.  It turned out that his problem was not as bad as first thought as medical experts realised he was wearing jockey shorts and using keyhole surgery were able to remove Frankie Dettori from within.....# take the weight off


© Claire Pryce and Pushing 50 in a 40 Zone, October 2013 to date.

 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Claire Pryce and Pushing 50 in a 40 Zone with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Any use of this material for monetary gain is strictly prohibited. Should you wish to use my material for your own monetary gain you may contact me to purchase a license for such usage.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

Here goes! First post, but hopefully not the last....




Today I am contemplating T*urettes. Not contemplating developing it, but sharing random thoughts on the subject....

Is this an affliction of adults alone or also children?  If you were a child with T*urettes and you didn’t know any swear words that would be very frustrating wouldn’t it? Or would you inadvertently shout out words like: PANTS! WILLY! FRONT BOTTOM! POO!  On the other hand don’t all children do that anyway?
Body ticks as well as verbal ones would be a bummer if you were a child. You would never win ‘sleeping lions’ at your friends’ birthday parties would you?    You would go home empty handed along with the epileptic (NVPC).

What about T*urettes sufferers in foreign countries?  Surely a Frenchman or Italian with T*urettes couldn’t sound offensive! I could listen to an Italian tell me to ‘f*ck off’ all day because it sounds so sexy J
Then I wondered what would happen if two T*urettes sufferers were on the same bus.  Would they try and out- tick one another do you think? 

‘D*MN!’
‘B*STARD!’
‘SH*T!’  
‘W*NKER!’
‘F*CK!’
‘C***!’ - ‘BEAT THAT S*CKER!’

Imagine a coach full on a day trip!

And what about deaf people – do they ever suffer with T*urettes?  If so, do they use sign language?  If you saw a deaf T*urettes sufferer walking down the street you wouldn’t  give them a second glance – you would just think they were swatting at a fly or auditioning for conductor at the proms or pops! 

Imagine a coach full on a day trip!

Going back to epilepsy for a moment – I dated an epileptic for a while but he eventually broke things off because I put a spoon between his teeth once too often during sex – not realising he was having a multiple orgasm.... # shudder


Glossary of terms:
NVPC – Not very politically correct


© Claire Pryce and Pushing 50 in a 40 Zone, October 2013 to date.

 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Claire Pryce and Pushing 50 in a 40 Zone with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Any use of this material for monetary gain is strictly prohibited. Should you wish to use my material for your own monetary gain you may contact me to purchase a license for such usage.