And let's face it, you've got to love Ant and Dec haven't you. TV, like a good port is far better when DEC ANT'ed.
So I took a deep breath and switched on the telly at 9.00pm last night and I wasn't disappointed, because the cast essentially wrote this post themselves!
I should mention that I didn't recognise some of the contestants. I of course knew Rebecca Addlington, because unlike some of her counterparts she has earned her fame - think of all those hours with wrinkly toes and the number the chlorine must have done on her hair over the years... I haven't a clue who Amy is or Matthew Wright. Steve interesting (living up to his name thus far) Davies and David Emmanuel are on my list of Do's and the American - was it Arborio? - and the heavy set blond are both on my Don't (know) list. Hey ho, I guess I am going to know their names and their bowel movements over the coming days....
So back to last night. Joey Essex - he was on my radar, but I could have passed him in the street and not recognised him. I could have told you he was from Essex, because of the tan, the shaved chest, the white teeth and the look of vacancy and incomprehension in his eyes, but I couldn't have told you he was THE Essex from 'The only way is Essex.'
Prediction #1 his hair is not going to stay looking like that for long. Maybe for as long as it takes someone to break his mirror, to stop him being such a vain waste of space.
The Bushtucker Trial.
I loved this part of the show. Why I should enjoy watching people wretch and heave I do not know, but love it I did! The entertainment factor had already started when Joey pointed out (how astute) that they needed to win 'as much possible meals as we can.' Bless him - how incredible for an English county to have a whole new language of its own.
Dec'Ant asked him how he thought things would go to which he replied 'I don’t like eating creatures.' Well he was basically f*cked from this point onwards wasn't he. Did they not get the memo that he has turned vegetarian. Vegetables aren't classed as 'creatures' are they? Apart from freaky shaped apples that resemble your Aunt Gladys without her teeth in. I digress....
MENU
Ostrich Penis (slimey gut chicken - JE)
A delicate dish that smells like willy and tastes like a school eraser that you have wee'd over - JE.
Joey points out that this is the first time he has gagged on a willy and that when you go to swallow, it like hits your tonsils. What's that Joey the willy or the juice? He is urged on by his rival Matthew who insists he should chew as hard as he can. Anyone's eyes watering yet?
Camel Toe
A fleshy white delicacy that tastes really dirty. Does this describe some of the women on TOWIE I wonder?
Somehow I cannot believe this is the first time Joey has had a foot in his mouth - surely he regularly dines on his own? During his mastications (no look again, that is not what it says...) he does a fabulous Meg Ryan/Sally impression with groans and fists pounding on the table. He then pronounces it the worst thing he has ever tasted. One would bloody hope so, otherwise I am not going to the 'Essex's' or any restaurant in Essex for dinner.
Crispy roll with scorpion
A lovely delicacy with a hint of marmite flavour - you either love it or you hate it.
Joey is the first to go and is asked if it is juicy inside. A question more commonly asked of him by his girlfriends in the bedroom rather than his competitor while he chows down on a scorpion.
Turkey Testicles
Proper rank.
So far the boys - to give them credit - have consumed everything put in front of them, but have they got the balls for this dish? Major gagging ensues that nearly had me running for a bowl myself...Matthew, having finished everything else has to then lick up the bit of spew he had heaved into his hand. Nice.
Cockroach Smoothie
A succulent blend of cock(roach) that has been 'shaken' but hasn't been stirred (yet).
Who is going to be the quickest to get these cock(roache)s down? As it turns out, neither boy has a problem downing these.
When MW and JE get back to their respective camps they are asked the usual trite questions such as 'Was it horrible?' by David Emmanuel. No David it was a 4 star meal - of course it was horrible you tw*t. I can't wait until his turn, but he had better take the plum out of his mouth first before he eats!
But my favourite quote from last night's show was from Matthew Wright who when told dinner was ready soon after the Bushtucker Trial replied 'I don’t want any dinner I’ve already eaten!'
#Bless him
No comments:
Post a Comment